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Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
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7:48 pm - I am such an idiot...
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Baby I love you
You are my life
My happiest moments weren't complete
If you weren't by my side
You're my relation
In connection to the sun
With you next to me
There's no darkness I can't overcome
You are my raindrop
I am a seed
With you and God, who's my sunlight
I bloom and grow so beautifully
Baby, I'm so proud
So proud to be your girl
You make the confusion
Go all away
From this cold and messed up world
I am in love with you
You set me free
I can't do this thing
Called life without you here with me
Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you
I'll never leave
Just keep lovin' me
The way I love you loving me
And I know you love me
Love me for who I am
Cause years before I became who I am
Baby you were my man
I know it ain't easy
Easy loving me
I appreciate the love and dedication
From you to me
Later on in my destiny
I see myself having your child
I see myself being your wife
And I see my whole future in your eyes
Thought of all my love for you
sometimes make me wanna cry
Realize all my blessings
I'm grateful
To have you by my side
Every time I see your face
My heart smiles
Every time it feels so good
It hurts sometimes
Created in this world
To love and to hold
To feel
To breathe
To love you
Dangerously in love
Can't do this thing
I love you , I love you, I love you
I'll never leave
Just keep on loving me
I'm in love with you
I can not do
I cannot do anything without you in my life
Holding me, kissing me, loving me
Dangerously
I love you
Dangerously in love
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| Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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7:10 pm - Feliz Cinco de Mayo!!!!
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God... Chris would have shit himself if I had agreed to go with him tonight! He thought by inviting me he would seem like a good guy. Truth is: by agreeing to go would mean leaving the house at 10pm and getting home around 3am when I know I have to be up at 6:45am. He knew what he was doing. Manipulation is a beautiful thing right? Oh well can't blame a selfish person I guess........
current mood: awake
current music: So much for the afterglow-Everclear
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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12:44 am - search in circles everytime I try
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I have had a weird couple of days. I don't know where I'm going or what's going on. I'm tired...emotionally for sure and physically as well. I can't sleep. Plain and simple. There is too much going on in my head. I can't seem to make it all stop. A former team member's six year old nephew drowned yesterday, a very cute kid in fact, but I have this overwhelming feeling of loss even though I am in no way affected by it. It's such a shame when someone that young dies. He had no chance to start doing things the way he wanted to. No chance for him to even become his own person. His life was extinguished before he ever got off to a roaring start. Thinking of things like this brings me to where I'm at now: My life is filled with trists and turns.
Things are changing maybe for the better, maybe for the worst, or maybe just to go back to being the same. Only time can tell. With all the thoughts listed above with life being uncertain and never knowing when it will end, why do we lie and keep secrets that we know we shouldn't? Why do we find new ways to hurt the ones we love with the same secrets over and over again? It comes out in the open and people become more creative with hiding these things. We all end up getting hurt in the end and we either alienate ourselves or those directly affected by our actions. I don't really have any secrets more like things about my past that I'm afraid I'll be laughed at for revealing, those true self defining moments of ridicule, humiliation, and self realization. Events that really scarred me mentally that more insensitive people wouldn't have the understanding of the message that underlies the growth and healing process caused by those moments of human cruelty.
I'm also feeling like I'm at a war with my body. It's so funny when you think about it. We all have this self loathing of our physical being and really in the end, the only thing we have is our body and mind. You will always have yourself to depend on. Some of us ignore the media and its evil manner that makes us all feel like we are a lesser person, while others surround themselves with it. The outcome is the same: we don't like who we are or what we look like. Life's got little ironies running rampant. It's all self-destructive because the images in those magazines are fake as well as the airbrushed people on the cover. The truth is no one can be any of thee images. Looks like Adobe is where to invest with every human playing into all this fiction and false advertising...
I've been doing some soul searching lately and I don't know what's going on upstairs. These are the thoughts that fill my mind. Sometimes I feel like I live in a world where I am a lesser person because of who I am and what I have to offer. Maybe that's why I turn to the not-so-judgemental heteros so much. I feel like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole. In the hetero world I don't feel like I need to make excuses for myself, even then it seems more real. Funny I never thought I'd say that. I guess that's the maturity developing. My life seems so much less complicated when I look at it through rose colored glasses, but you know there will always be the constant reminders that jolt you so hard the glasses fall off and you're left there with the reality of the situation. I'm just tired of feeling inferior and tired of reminding myself that I'm not. I know I'm not but it's me against the world and I'm outnumbered. I don't like implications of what I need to be or a list of guidelines I need to meet. Life's too short for that and I'm not going to waste my time. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
current mood:  restless
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| Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
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5:03 pm - love is a lonely place without you...
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All alone
I must stand
Even when I'm running
And it feels, like a dream
I need to awaken from
I believe
When it hurts
We must keep on trying
But I want, And I need
Like a river needs the rain
There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave
I just wanna breathe again
Like a summer's day I need to feel the heat again
I only wanna keep the stone from rolling
I only wanna learn to feel the rain
Then maybe I could stop the leaves from falling
I only wanna learn to freeze the flame
I know I'll be alive again
I wanna be alive again
Here's the night, where's the stars
'Coz I need some guiding
and it cuts, like a knife
as I watch you walk away
There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave
I just wanna live again
Like the stormy rain I need to hear it beat again
I only wanna keep the stone from rolling
I only wanna learn to feel the rain
Then maybe I could stop the leaves from falling
I only wanna learn to freeze the flame
I know I'll be alive again
I wanna be alive again
'Coz I did my best
Baby who'd have guessed
That I've failed the test
'Coz when love ain't blessed
And it's laid to rest
It can leave a mess
I only wanna keep the stone from rolling
I only wanna learn to feel the rain
Then maybe I could stop the leaves from falling
I only wanna learn to freeze the flame
I know I'll be alive again
I wanna be alive again
I only wanna keep the stone from rolling
I only wanna learn to feel the rain
Then maybe I could stop the leaves from falling
I only wanna learn to freeze the flame
I know I'll be alive again
I wanna be alive again
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Living Proof
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| Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
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12:41 pm - Sunshine always battles the rain
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I'm going to Tallahassee tomorrow night. Wow I can't believe the concert's here already. It's going to be so much fun and I can't wait. Bylla's going to Colorado and getting a break for a change-so good for her.
I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time
And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you
My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that I've been damaged
current mood:  weird
current music: Phil Collins, Take me home
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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8:33 pm - I'll be the other hand, that always holds a line....
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I have never felt so much growth in myself as I have today. I'm at work and taking a risk at updating this but I just feel so good and want to talk about it.
I realized a lot of things that were very delayed, but it's not too little too late and for that I am thankful. I realized I don't hate Chris's friends, but instead take my feelings against Patrick out on all of them. Thankfully they still try to love me :). I won't ever like Patrick and Chris realizes and respects that. But he (especially him) and his friends shouldn't pay for that. So I'm sorry to all parties involved.
I also want to be a part of the gay community again, something I haven't wanted to do because of issues and being burned with DLP. I will admit that I do miss reading the magazines, listening to the music, and dancing till my lungs collapse. Things just have gone downhill for the past few months and I even got turned off to watching Queer as Folk. Until recently! I have this rebirth into that world that I can't wait to take advantage of. I'm sure Chris will feel a lot better as well and that will definitely take a lot of stress off of "us".
The final thing I realized was that this relationship with Chris is the best and most important thing that has ever happened to me. I hope he can say the same, despite my being a bitch for sooooo long. I have feelings for him that are unconditional. I have spent too much time worrying and now I'm ready to enjoy it. I want to be that person I always thought I would be one day, you know the one I mean- in middle school and high school when you would space out and think of what you would do with your freedom and how wonderful it would be to have "that special person" involved in your life. Today has definitely made me want to give again. I love him so much and have never felt this way about anyone before. This is the most I have ever cared for someone.
Things can always get better guys. Hang in there...
current mood:  thankful
current music: Nickel Creek, When You Come Back Down
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| Friday, September 17th, 2004
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1:24 pm - closer to myself
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Well its almost the weekend. Gotta clock in in less than ten minutes but I'll make it. After today I'm off for three. Got loads of homework to do and plenty of time to do it, good feeling to have in my opinion. SSDD.
I called Brian S last night, probably going to hang out with him some this weekend. I just wish Michelle or Crystal lived here. Life would be easier. Not sure where I stand with things right now but currently I don't care at all. Things will be changing soon maybe for the better, changes that are elusive.
But what if I didn't come here, at this point besides work, I think I might have been better off. Maybe I would be captain of NEI slamming sevens at will. Maybe I would have moved to Pittsburgh and hada nice little Italian family's company to enjoy.
All in all things will never be the same again as far as my feelings are concerned. Giving too much sucks and I'm not doing it anymore.
current mood:  predatory
current music: Track 6 from Never Been Kissed Soundtrack
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| Thursday, September 16th, 2004
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11:49 pm - and I won't feel your fire...
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Weirdest week ever....Bylla came up had an awesome time, might move in together later down the road, who knows things change so much. Obviously because I made it here to Tampa. Whatever happened to those dreams and talks about Pittsburgh? What ever happened to those days I would kill to be on NEI? What would life be like if I hadn't made it here?
No one can say....and don't want to think about where my life would be without my baby Christoph, but back to the week: Got drunk with Bylla and stayed up all night by myself so I could make it to class on Tuesday. I called Arika while I was alone. That was interesting. It was good to know that even though she never made it out of Tallahassee the decision Michelle and I made was definitely one of the best for her. She's happy, has decent friends, and is now an Auntie of two.
Went to bed Tuesday night around 1am. Slept through class on Wednesday and then went to work. Couldn't sleep when I got home on Wednesday because of a lot of shit in my head like conversations held previously, memories, doubts and everything else you could imagine. I went to work and collated for 5 hours of overtime so Bank of America should be very happy with me soon :). Later went to breakfast with a co-worker and headed to class. Got my books today as well and then worked until 11pm. Still awake but I'm working on it he he he. Still there's one day left of work and then three glorious days off.
Next week is the Cher concert in Tallahassee and I can't wait. It seems like there's a reason to live again LOL. I'm just playing but I can't wait to see her again and feel what I felt that first time I saw her and not realizing I loved songs that I didn't even knew she sang. I can't wait to see Michelle, Crystal, THE CAT!!!!!, Jennifer, and definitely, Mom. It's a really good thing too because if I have to taste another nasty bowl of soup from a chinese restaurant I will just buy the Ming Tree. Looking forward to Guthrie's as well YUM!!!
Turning 21 soon and per my conversation with Mom on Wednesday both Corey and BIG Joe are coming down for that weekend to buy me drinks. I can hardly wait to see Corey and hear his crazy sense of humor. So for the next few months it seems like my life has purpose.
And on a side note: the Presidential Election is only weeks away and I trust ALL of you will make the RIGHT DECISION.
That said, work's going alright. Lots of changes are probably headed our way as far as staffing goes. Lots of people leaving and we're rushing to hire new bitches for the Calendar Season (dramatic music). Still great to be working with such a tight knit management team, even though we have our differences, and on top of that schedules could soon change again. But the money is definitely good and we get paid three times in October plus two profit checks that month. With this huge job we have we could be seeing some nice chunks of cash ;)
Almost out of debt, just have the Bank of America card to go and I can't help but be proud of myself. I have made a tight budget for myself and god knows I couldn't have done it without Chris. Thank you baby for everything!
I'll try and keep you guys updated more often, maybe like this weekend during all of my homework! :O
current mood: okay
current music: Socialburn
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| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
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4:18 pm - Take my heart along...
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Well this upcoming Friday and Saturday are the first of my regularly scheduled days off that I've had in 3 goddamn weeks. But there's a catch as usual: Chris's boss has him scheduled both days and he's scheduled off on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. YAY! The schedule works out perfect as you can see. So it looks like I'll be spending my days off at the Body Shop sitting with Chris.
Gay Days is going on at Disney World because June, if you didn't know, is gay pride month. So Chris is going to Disney on Sunday with his friends to the pool party. Kinda irritated because the main reason he's going is to check out the "hot" guys in bathing suits and speedos. I don't need to go look at "hot" guys because I have Chris and he is everything that is my type. He is the guy for me and I believe that. I always think about him and want only him. But that's just something I need to get over (the checking out "hot" guys thing). It's always gonna happen and I guess nobody can change when it comes to those things. Chris knows that he and I will never be able to say "Look, that guy's soooooooooo hot!". But whatever I'll be working as usual.
Chris and I are doing good in case you all didn't get the memo. I don't know I still have a few concerns because those of you who know me well already know that even thoguh I'm afraid of snakes, my greatest fear is loving the other person more than they love me. So I'm sorta scared right now. Chris loves me, he does, but at this point I think I love him more. Not necessarily a bad thing, just not comforting.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: The Docutech making copies
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| Monday, May 31st, 2004
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4:48 pm - When you come back down.....
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Thank god everything is fixed...I was a fricking wreck yesterday and I never want to feel that way again. I waited for Chris to call to say he wasn't coming home or at least tell me he was ok. I finally at 2:30am got in the car and went to his house where I found him asleep in his room. I woke him up and I was trembling because I finally knew he was ok.
We talked and I confessed something that I should have a longgggggg time ago. Every fight, or bickering, or moment of irritation roots back to that and now I know Chris doesn't just think I'm psycho,he finally knows the truth. I know I was wrong and wanted him to know that. While all this was going on and I was saying all this stuff to him he had his arms around me and comforted me. He did stand up for me and I'm just glad it's over!
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| Sunday, May 30th, 2004
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9:19 pm - I step through brilliant shades....
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I can't focus at work at all. I threw up twice already, I'm shaking, I can't concentrate, my eyes feel like they are on fire. I have a slight hint of anxiety. I'm feeling better though because I got him a card to apologize for my actions last night and to break the ice when I see him. I just want to go back to the normal routine of being together or at least having time to spend together. We will still have to talk but I want him to know we're ok. I didn't mean to embarrass him. I'm really anxious to get home and see him. I can't tell you how hard it was to work today. Things will get better.
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4:41 pm - But so are they....
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Well, I know I'm going crazy. Why does everything go to shit all at once? My mom is here for three weeks, I'm driving Chris insane and probably ultimately ruining everything between us but at the same time it's not just me (more on that later), work is just and dignified as well as demanding but staying constant and trustworthy.
I don't know why Chris and I can't ever work through anything. We haven't talked yet but that comes next. I love him genuinely and unswervingly. He blames alcohol for a lot of our problems mostly with my drinking but he drinks twice as much as I do and without me around and sometimes without even telling me. I blew up on him because of stress and other issues and I feel bad but at the same time part of it is because I'm so terrified about what's going to happen next. I'm so afraid of losing him and I want him to be scared of anything ending between us. I've come along way in a short period of time and accepted things, some things take a bit longer to move on from.
His friends really irritated me at the club on Saturday night, wait , only one of his friends....he doesn't know me and he is so sure that he understands the situation and is confident in that. What he thought the problem was was far from the reality, but he knew he was right. He and a few other people are my exact opposite, my mirror image, my negative. That's not a bad thing but that's just why I get so twisted inside. It's so hard right now at this moment because I fear that Chris is talking about our situations and it is good for him if he is, but I just have no idea of his perception of the situation. I don't know what he's thinking right now.
I came into work today and went straight into the office and cried the hardest I ever have. Zuzi and Telice were so positive and listened to me for 45 minutes. I balled and felt so weak. I cracked, I feel broken. I'm so worried because I don't know if Chris is reciprocating these feelings I have of worries and it's torturing me inside to think that he isn't. I'm so torn internally because Chris is the only person I have ever loved unconditionally and my environmental factors aren't helping me at all. Last night he left without even coming upstairs and kissing me goodbye. I wasn't awake but Crystal was and she watched him get stuff together before he walked out the door. For Chris and I that is a big deal not saying goodbye.
Also, he never tries to comfort me or make me feel better....he just makes a rude remark. It hurts me so much when he does that. I don't want to lose this but I can't betray my thoughts and feelings and just pretend that this isn't happening or force myself to feel better. Oh well let me get back to work somebody help me.........
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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2:03 am - Good God!!!!!
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I forgot I even have this damn thing. Let's fast forward a couple thousand light years shall we??(Cheesy sound effects)Well I still work at Kinko's, I'm still good friends with Crystal and Michelle...I'm no longer friends with Arika and I don't live in Tallahassee anymore.
I now live in Tampa. I originally moved here to go to the design academy, but subconsciously I knew I wouldn't be there very long. I live with my friend Danielle who is the dirtiest JAP I know :(. She is a second year senior at USF and a Chi Omega. She has to be one of the most peculiar people I know. Danielle is involved in about 15 student organizations and she is always in meetings. Now why the fuck would you want to do that??
Andy is sure fucking history!!!(previous entires)All the wrong guys, all the wrong kissers, I forget their names because they aren't worth remembering. I finally found someone definitely worth getting to know to say the least. I met this guy Chris through this really shitty excuse for a gay fraternity. Needless to say Chris was the only thing worth remembering about that organization. The moment he walked into my first meeting I was crazy about him. Now we've been together for three months and life just couldn't be any better. His friends are awesome, especially Bylla, Tammy, and John. John is such a nice guy and he just lost his girlfriend Alicia in a car accident. So these new relationships were tested and strengthened.
What else?.....I got into my first car accident and it sucked. Crystal is coming down this weekend. My mom actually knows about Chris and wants to meet him! YAY!!!! I'm sorry I'm just lkisting things so I can catch you up! And that's all I feel like talking about now.
Hasta!
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| Sunday, July 15th, 2001
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11:41 pm - We're seniors this year Doug!
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Life has just been so great lately. Work has been awesome and Emily keeps reminding me that we will be seniors this year. I have to say it feels so great to hear that. All those years of classes and sleepless nights have actually paid off. I'll be captain of the color guard this year and we are just kicking ass all over the place. We are soooooo much better that we were last year! I am going to return to DeMolay for their yearly Conclave next week. I will be reunited with tons of friends and we are all excited about it. Gatewood's going and he can't wait to see me. I plan on telling Jody to go to hell. It's going to be so great. Also I have been talking to this great guy named Joe. He is such an extraordinary person. He is so mature for a 17 year old. He plays baseball and just loves to be around me. Things are going so great and what people say just doesn't bother me anymore, especially since most of my friends are decent people and don't believe what other people say. I have to say I am really loving life right now.
current mood:  peaceful
current music: Life is a highway
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| Friday, June 8th, 2001
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8:41 pm - I believe you were expecting me...
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Well life is going good. Working my ass off is getting old. I think I'll go to the beach next week. I don't know what's up with Andy, he seems a little down. I'll try to help him feel better. Anyways, duty calls. There are copiesto be made!!!!
current mood:  amused
current music: If you're gone-Matchbox 20
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| Sunday, June 3rd, 2001
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2:50 pm - A narcoleptic argentinean fell through my roof followed by a midget dressed like a nun
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Last night Me, Arika, and Ashley went and saw MOULIN ROUGE. It was trippy as hell! It was a very good movie. After that we went to Kinkos and covered Amanda's car in register tape. It was sooooo much fun.
Andy started at Village Inn today. Hope he did ok. He probably did. He's good at waiting on tables. That's all I have for you now. I'll talk to you later.
current mood:  hot
current music: Muzac
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| Saturday, June 2nd, 2001
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2:45 am - Sweet tea on the brain
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Well tonight was pretty cool. We (Andy, Arika, Michelle, Jordan and me) went to Applebee's and then hauled ass to get to AMC. We went to see Pearl Harbor. It was really good. Mom is still acting anal. I don't know what's going through Andy's head right now. He just seemed so distant tonight. I know I did too. I'm looking forward to the next four days of straight work. NOT!
current mood: groggy
current music: Flavor of the week-American High Five
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| Sunday, May 27th, 2001
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2:55 pm - Mom
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Last night Andy was over at my house and we were just cuddling. My mom came in and just acted reatarded. When I approached her she got pissed off. I don't know what her problem is. After that I got everybody together and we went to Applebee's. It was fun. We met Marissa's friend Cheryl. She was a trip. Then we went to movie gallery and rented Down To You. Damn good movie. Related to me and Andy in many ways. Then Me and Andy hung out for a while. Around 2:30 I took him home. When I got home, I went directly to the bathroom to take a shower. I came out and my mom was standing right there with her arms crossed. She told me that this was not going to happen anymore in the house, and that she had told me the rules before, because she is the one who pays the bills. So now what am I going to do?
current mood:  stressed
current music: The Power of Love-Huey Louis
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| Saturday, May 26th, 2001
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4:06 pm
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| Monday, May 21st, 2001
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12:30 am - Whirlwind
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For the past week my ex-boyfriend has tried to reclaim his position in my life. He has apologized countless times and cried in front of me. I told him I could never go out with him again and I apologized. I am still weary as to why he is soooo eager to be friends. But you know what they say, people come in and out of our lives for a reason.
current mood:  drained
current music: None
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